My sparkly dress...

‘It’s Saturday 30th June, 2018. I’m meant to be out at a friend’s twenty-first birthday dinner tonight, but I’m sat in my bedroom, alone. All of my siblings are out living their lives, like most twenty-somethings, but not me, I wish I was out there, living… most days I feel like I’m barely surviving at the moment. 

I know that to have gone tonight would have done me a world of good; meeting new people, socialising, dressing up in my sparkly dress. Yet I made the decision to stay, well aware I would spend the evening, like every other evening, in bed, trying to sleep away the pain.

You’re right, it’s totally my own fault. You don’t need to remind me of that. This is all my own fault. Getting anorexia, not getting better, failing at my dream gap year job, and of course, my St Andrews university life. If I know all of this, you’re probably wondering why I don’t change things. And I wish, I wish I could answer that. But I can’t. 

I know myself incredibly well; I know what Mima enjoys, what she thrives at, what she lives for, yet I continually prevent myself fulfilling these things. I’ve experienced regret so, so many times, but I can’t break out of this cycle. I’m due to start Norland in two months time, so I should be getting myself to the best place possible to excel in an experience so few are fortunate enough to be offered. But again, I find myself sabotaging. In pleasing anorexia, I’m preserving it, I’m perpetuating my pain. Why? Again, I wish I could answer that. But I can’t. 

When will these ‘can’t’s transform into ‘cans’? ‘Transform’? Stop being so naïve Mima! That’s where I keep getting it wrong, I won’t ever simply ‘transform’ into the healthy human I crave. I have to put the work in, no one can do it for me. But what if I can’t do it? Then what? 

The nurses used to say, ‘If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your loved ones’. But I seem incapable of even doing it for them. I know the pain I persist in perpetuates to those I love the most. Then why do I maintain it? Again, I wish I could answer that. But I can’t. 

To know no one can save you from yourself is the toughest lesson to learn.’ 

 ...

I wrote that three months ago, at one of my lowest points. Today, I’m sitting writing this, having worn that sparkly dress, and gone to the Norland Ball last night.  

I’m afraid this isn’t a post where I’ll write how I’m ‘so much better’, and ‘my life’s transformed’. However, it is a post where I can say that I’ve made progress in the past three months. It’s sad how many people still think that anorexia is all about food, and a relentless desire to be thin. Yes, food comes into it; for example, the fact that last night was a sit down dinner, and I had no say in what would be placed in front of me, or the quantity… of course that provokes anxiety. But, what’s often missed, are the other factors. So, whilst all to easily anorexia would only allow me to realise my failings, such as the very fact I still get that anxiety around food. I want to focus on my triumphs, and last night was a triumph! Just three months ago I backed out of wearing that same sparkly dress, I let anorexia convince me that ‘I couldn’t do it’, and I sat alone feeling certain that Norland would be another opportunity I would fail at, ‘classic Mima’, anorexia hissed. 

But look, I’m here! I’m nearly a month in, and I’m still here! What’s more I’m actually enjoying it, yes, anorexia still has too great a hold over me. But I’m not saying I’m cured, or even close, I’m saying each decision against anorexia is another step forward, and last night was just that.