People aren’t angry at you, they’re angry at the illness…

I greeted him on Friday evening like a moody old git. Whilst they all ate supper, I proceeded to adhere to anorexia, and sat alone, hungry and irritable. He wasn’t to blame, none of them were. I knew exactly who was, anorexia. Yet, I still went ahead and obeyed it, continuing to let it dictate my mood and subsequent actions. They’ve all got used to it now. Sorry, that makes it sound like an option; they’ve had no option, my family have simply had to get used to it. They all cope in their own ways, as best as they know how.

Having reflected on the weekend, this morning I decided to send my brother a message to apologise for being so despondent and his reply was incredibly moving.

I cannot even begin to imagine how infuriating it must be, seeing someone you love sabotage their life, over, and over again. As I’ve said before, he has every right to feel downright angry. Yet his response was not one with an ounce of resentment for me, but rather, one of deep sadness for all anorexia inflicts on me. 

Something I remember vividly from hospital was my consultant explaining, “It’s not that we don’t trust you. It’s that we don’t trust anorexia.” Similarly, those around me don’t hate me, they hate my illness. My brother said, “It’s just hard when I can see the illness and it’s claws trying to get you, and I know how much potential you have in life, and so, so much to give the world Mime”. So whilst his actions may indicate that he doesn’t care, I know deep down that couldn’t be further from the truth.

We all respond to hurt in different ways. Whilst I can see the pain Mummy carries in her eyes, I can see the pain my brother carries in his sharp words. Neither hurt any more or less, they just display it in different ways.

Whilst some protect by lashing out or by withdrawing, I protect by using anorexia. And although I know it hurts me more, the familiarity it provides also creates an anaesthetic, without which life feels to hard to survive.

We all struggle some are just better at hiding it than others. Despite all the tears my illness has caused, the continual love that my family respond with will never cease to amaze me.