Horse of Hope...
I hate how incapable and small it tries to make me feel. I’m not incapable, and I’m not small. I’m bigger than it. Please, please keep helping me believe this.
Yesterday was difficult, I couldn’t see past my head, I couldn’t gather the perspective that usually keeps me focused and realigns me. I hate days like that, I absolutely hate them. They make me feel like there is no way out of all this.
Last night I read back on some of my old diaries which reminded me of how the low day that I had yesterday used to be my every day. Perhaps that’s why it felt particularly difficult, because thank goodness, that lowness isn’t my ‘norm’ anymore.
Looking back, I’m honestly not sure how I survived… everyday was the same fog of relentless hopelessness.
17th January 2019 – “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to beat this thing. All my biggest fears are coming true, hospital, selling another home. I can’t bare the thought of living any longer with this illness… it’s no one’s fault, it’s my illness that’s forced me to this point. No one could save me from myself. I simply couldn’t get the help when I needed it most.”
It’s no surprise that this illness has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness… all too often you can’t get the help until it’s too late. That’s why I really do mean it when I say Orri saved me from myself. The days prior to Orri I was desperate, so desperate.
So, perhaps because things often feel better now it means that when the low days hit, they hit even harder, it’s not my ‘norm’ anymore, and that’s a good thing. That’s a huge relief, and maybe a credit to all the work I’ve been doing.
Yesterday Orri rallied around me, they helped me get back on my ‘Horse of Hope’, which as Kerrie said, ‘was just in the stable gathering it’s strength for a good run out tomorrow’.
They help, they really do.
I’m not incapable and I’m not small. And that horse is winning the race today.
