One year on...
‘Enough is enough. ENOUGH.’
I wish it was as simple as writing that and following through. And whilst in the most part it’s not, this year has taught me, it also kind of is…
Long time no post… where have I been you may well ask! Well, I can now finally say… busy actually living life!
It’s not that it’s all been easy, but since I last wrote, I can now say with complete conviction that I’m getting closer to the life that I ultimately want to be living. Over the past eight years I’ve written, scribbled and pleaded in my diaries for things to be different, feeling so discontent with the mental illness cards that I felt I was so unfairly dealt. But I have learnt (and I am still learning) that actually, those cards are not disabling, in fact quite the contrary; overcoming the struggles that I have had, have made me so much more grateful for the moments of light in my life.
Speaking of light, I started a new job in March, nannying for a little 6 month old baby girl and I want to SHOUT from the mountain tops how grateful I am. I’ve never really spoken about my faith on here because for me, it’s a very private thing. But I don’t believe it was fate that landed me this job. Unbeknownst to me, on the 17th of September 2022 this bundle of hope and joy came into the world. And there I was lying in Norfolk, completely hopeless, wanting to end it all.
17th September 2022
08:42 -
‘I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low before and I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to end it all. I just can’t see a way out. Everything’s fallen apart and no ones here, I’ve pushed them all away, or my Anorexia has. I don’t think anyone realises how close I feel to ending it all. It’s the hurt it would cause to those I love the most that’s stopping me, because honestly my life doesn’t feel worth living anymore. God, please help. Please throw me a life-line.’
20:26
‘It’s very dark in here. I’m struggling to find the light. God, please help things get better. Please help me find the light.’
Over the years, my eating disorder has stolen an awful lot from me, but I remember one of the hardest hits was not being able to complete my Norland Nanny training. In therapy there’s a lot of talk about inner child work, on ‘connecting’ with your inner child (yes I used to roll my eyes at this too!). But emphasis being on used to, because I can now really see the power of it. In my illness little Mima lost her voice. In fact, she lost all her needs, wants, dreams and desires; one of which was to be a Norland Nanny. Anyone who knew me from a young age will remember my obsession with babies (I’ll copy some images below!) but all of this was shoved aside when Anorexia decimated everything. So to now be doing the job that I’m doing, I feel like I’m snatching back my dreams from the claws of Anorexia, and I can’t tell you how empowering that feels.
There’s an old saying that goes something like, ‘Man plans and God laughs’, and that couldn’t ring truer for me this year. I thought I had it all planned and sorted, from the job I would be doing to the university course I would be starting… none of which have gone to ‘plan’. But that’s not because God didn’t hear me or was choosing to be belligerent. I think you can agree, he most certainly threw me the life-line I prayed for, and although it didn’t look how I expected, I can now see it’s worked out far better than I could have ever planned myself. Alongside fulfilling little Mima’s dream nannying, in September I will also begin studying part-time as I begin training to become a registered Psychotherapist. Taking me closer and closer to the life I ultimately want to be living.
It’s only really when I stop and re-read my old diaries that I remember how all-consuming and life-stealing my eating disorder once was. I can’t believe that four years ago I was confined to the four walls of a locked hospital ward, or that just a year ago I found myself in yet another inpatient facility half way across the world. I was waiting for a magic cure, for someone to make it all better, and don’t get me wrong, I definitely believe that recovery from Anorexia takes a village, and along the way different people have come into my life and have made it significantly better. But, unfortunately there is no one place or person who can cure it, that is both the hardest and most empowering part of it; only the person suffering can make the decision to live and not just survive.
This morning I read my diary from this date a year ago, the day before I flew half way across the world with the hope of being healed. 21st August 2022 10:28 - ‘I want OUT of this tired, sad life. I’m so tired of it. Of no fun, of surviving and never really living. I’m so SO done with it’.
I suppose, most of all I wanted to come on here to share my hope to anyone out there who is in the depths of it right now, feeling like it won’t ever get better. You won’t wake up tomorrow and be rid of it, but I am now certain that I will soon be rid of it, it’s only a matter of time, self-belief, persistence and “ACTION” as one wise old owl frequently reminds me! And bloody hell if I can do it anyone can!!!
