I can't believe it?!

I can’t actually believe it. Really, I can’t. I’ve done it! I’ve come back to Bath after a massive wobble on Sunday, where I almost let anorexia convince I was no good, and should just drop out of Norland, and stay at home, ill, “You’ll never get better anyway. You can’t do this”. 

Only four days later and I’m smashing it! Not only did I get that train on Sunday evening, I also made sure I stopped to get food before-hand. I then woke on Monday morning, sat my 9am exam… which I passed! On the way home I collected my prescriptions. Then when I got home, I got on it and called up the GP surgery, despite anorexia berating me not to arrange an appointment, “you’re fine as you are”. I did the opposite, although it was certainly made harder by the receptionist unhelpfully taking a long time to answer (giving anorexia even more time to build up excuses for me to put the phone down there and then)… but I didn’t! What’s more, when she said, “I’m afraid we only have one appointment left, at 11:40, in 15 minutes time”, anorexia did everything is it’s power to make me feel anxious, like it was “too soon… 15 minutes, I need time to prepare myself, I hadn’t prepared to see the doctor NOW?! Don’t take the appointment, don’t do it Mima”. 

“11:40 would be great, thank you!” I replied. Anorexia was distraught, “What the HELL are you doing?! You can’t blame me if you end up inpatient, you called them, you let them interfere! I told you not to.” 

As I sat in the waiting room the time seemed to drag on forever, then finally, the doctor called me in. “Ahh ah ah… I want to get out. I shouldn’t have done this, why did I do this? I can’t do this”, thoughts were frantically racing around my brain, with anorexia sitting on my shoulder, sneering, “well, only you’re to blame now, Mima! I told you not to book it!”. 

I sat down, and began explaining that I’m struggling, and really need more support, “I need a referral done, and I need it done asap”. I also said how I am still loving Norland, and the course, which is why I’m so desperate to not let anorexia take it away from me. The doctor re referred me, and my old team chased it, so that should all be moving now. 

I also let her do my OBs and dreaded weight. All in all, it was only 12:00, and I’d managed to put a big middle finger up to anorexia, who was probably sulking somewhere in the corner, working on it’s next way to sabotage me. Anorexia can try, it can try all it wants, but it’s me, Mima who has the ultimate decision. The decision to, follow anorexia to make me feel better instantly, but prolong my pain in the long term. Or, realise I CAN DO IT. Mima has a voice too, and by following that voice I’m far more likely to get my life back.  

After the doctors, I got home, had lunch, and later went on a house viewing, which was SO worth going to, it was amazing! It’s the little things like that that make a huge difference for me; I came back, passed my exam, saw the GP, AND viewed a potential house, all in one day. It’s these little steps that help encourage me to keep going, who knows maybe I’ll even be lucky enough to be living in that very house next year?

Take that anorexia. It tried to convince me to pull out on Sunday, that I couldn’t do this. Yet here I am, having also completed my other two assessments AND my pre-placement visit. Bish, bash, BOSH. I CAN do this!