20/11/18

20/11/18 17:25

I just finished day two on my first ever placement, and feel, well, incredibly proud! As looking after these little people is such a full on job, it really helps shoot down anorexia. I physically can’t do the day if I don’t fuel myself adequately. When I’ve been out on break time duty, or helping in outdoor learning, I literally freeze to the bone. Often little hands will cling onto mine, pulling me in one direction or other, and every time I notice the same thing… my hands are far, far colder than any of their little ones. That’s not right. That’s so not right, and that’s because of anorexia.

Whilst it’s hard to face the reality that I’m actually not a good role model for these small people at the moment, it is also valuable to be hit with this reality, as it’s helping me to go against anorexia more. If I want to stay on placement, at Norland, and eventually become a Norland Nanny, anorexia is not an option.

The thing is, I can. I know I can; before anorexia, Mima was incredibly caring, and just because I have this illness, I am still the same person. Much as anorexia tells me, multiple times throughout the day, that, “I can’t do this”. I know I can. That Mima is still inside me, the only thing that prevents her shining through, is my illness. 

So, yes, anorexia, I may have had chicken and leek pie for lunch at school today, and yes, I may have also just eaten supper too. However, I refuse to sit here feeling guilty all evening. Having two hog meals in a day is something plenty of people do, it’s normal. What’s not normal are these stupid rules anorexia’s ingrained in me. 

Food is like air, it keeps us alive, only for me, it’s also my medicine at the moment. So shut up anorexia, get back in your box. I’m so done with feeling freezing cold 24/7, blue hands, rigidity, isolation. I can do this, and, I am.