Where did it all change? When did food become the enemy?
25/11/18 20:48
‘I’m sat here trying to figure out my own mind… why did I just skip supper when I know that I need to eat to beat this? Why is anorexia so, so ingrained in me?
My thoughts day to day consist of food, when, where, with who? Its monotonous, it’s boring, and it’s all consuming. Yet I can’t seem to stop it. The daily thoughts Mima used to have… ‘What’s on at school this week? Who will I sit next to on that trip? Have I done the work? Are we staying at there’s or mine this Friday? What time am I being picked up from school today? Will Mummy have bought me tasty snacks in the car? What am I doing at the weekend?’. The thought’s that now occupy me everyday… ‘What’s the time? What did I eat yesterday? Who am I seeing today, will it interrupt my usual food routines? Will there be food at that event? Do I need to restrict in anticipation? Am I hungry enough to eat? Did I really deserve that? Could I have held out longer and not eaten that? Was it worth eating? How long since I last ate? Will I have gained weight? Do I feel in control?’
I was trying to remember how the old Mima, Mima those four years ago used to view and behave around food. I remember slathering butter on my bread and having five slices for lunch if I didn’t like the main meal on offer at school. I remember making numerous chip butties for lunch on Fridays. I remember getting angry if Arthie had more M&S biscuits than me, getting annoyed if mummy said ‘have some fruit, or toast’ not a fun snack after school. I remember eating a big bowl of mashed potato, because, well, it was my favourite, and the excitement when Mummy made my favourite supper. I remember having seconds of doughnuts in the common room if there were any left between lessons. I remember loving the rare takeaway we got as a treat on our birthday, the ice cream cake mummy made us, the Groombridge bakery iced buns, eating three Krispy Kreme’s in a day, just well, because? Where did it all change? When did food become the enemy?’
This time of year is tricky for those of us with eating disorders; one moment everyone’s eating as much as possible, defending going up for thirds saying, ‘well it is Christmas after all?’, and the next they’re berating themselves for doing so, and don’t stop talking about their January diets, detoxes etc. It’s not easy when everything is so food focused. BUT, what I’m trying to remember is that everyone is unique, and whilst Sue over there maybe shouldn’t have just said yes to that fourth mince pie, that doesn’t apply to all.
Yes, I’m extremely relieved to say that I made it through placement, and completed my first term at Norland. However, it came at a cost, that cost being my health (once again). So I have one mission this holiday; to get back on track, to be able to return to Norland in January. So yes, Mima, you most certainly can go up for seconds, even thirds, fourths too, because despite what anorexia says, you cannot go on as you are, and if I don’t want the same situation as St Andrews, I need to buck up my ideas, and fast.
I should’ve spent Monday evening at the Festival of Light, in Kew Gardens, instead, I spent it in St Thomas’ A&E department. Yesterday, I should’ve been seeing a friend for coffee, instead I was stuck having another ECG, and more bloods taken. As I said at the beginning, anorexia is monotonous, boring, and all consuming. I don’t want it to be a part of my Christmas, and I certainly don’t want it to be a part of my families. So I WILL keep fighting this, anorexia will not win.
