Snippets from my diary over the last 32 days inpatient...
Some snippets from my diary over the past thirty two days inpatient…
Wednesday 30th January 15:50 - “I just want to go home with them all. I don’t want to be here. I don’t, please can’t someone help me?”
Wednesday 30th January 18:55 – “I broke down in tears with Charlie, I couldn’t hold it together, he was so kind though and engulfed me, giving me a huge hug, I could feel his overwhelming support… gosh I feel lucky to have the family I do.”
Friday 1st February 09:56 – “I just walked out of supervision and called Daddy in floods of tears. I refused to come back and spoke to mummy and daddy, I told them I’d be leaving, and that’s that!”
Friday 1st February 18:55 – “When Dorris just did my obs she said, “Your mum is very supportive, you do this for her. Of course for you, but for your family too. You have so much potential! I am firm but nice underneath, you understand? I’m fighting the anorexia, not you!”
Saturday 2nd February 18:59 – “Although I loved seeing Imo, I’m feeling pretty low now. She just texted me saying she burst into tears having to leave me here… I felt like doing the same, but couldn’t. I just had to go straight into supper and swallow my feelings along with the mush they serve here.”
Saturday 2nd February 21:25 – “Just off the phone to Mummy and Daddy. Ergh, this is all SO hard! Imo was in tears leaving me on the ward earlier, and Midge and Arthie have been in tears too. I can’t tell if it’s anorexia, or if I genuinely have learnt my lesson and will manage to eat at home.”
Monday 3rd February 07:21 – “Was woken for weigh-in at 6am, so very tired! BUT, I couldn’t be more proud, I really couldn’t. I’M DOING IT! I’M REALLY REALLY DOING IT… scary as it is, I AM GETTING BETTER!”
Monday 3rd February 13:51 – “Moods plummeted. My lasagne portion was HUGE at lunch. I can’t do this”.
Tuesday 4th February 00:21 – “Just as Mummy was about to leave the huge alarm went off. This is what we’d all feared… she’d stopped breathing. Dorris and the other nurses ran back and fourth. Two patients and I gathered in the corridor, witness to it all. The paramedics were called. I couldn’t cope, I walked back into my room, where luckily Mummy was still sat on the bed looking very confused/worried. I turned my back, and broke down in tears. I felt scared, overwhelmed, totally beside myself. I couldn’t stop crying. It was 6pm (dinner time), I thought surely it would be delayed due to the circumstances (all staff taken up etc). I went to look. How silly of me… of course it was still on, and everyone was sat there ready and waiting for their food. When my intensely unappetising plate came… it was cold. Tears were streaming down my face, I asked the nurse to please warm it up for me? And she bluntly said, ‘NO!’. I realise now that the evening from hell was only just beginning”.
Wednesday 6th February 08:59 – “Words can’t describe how nervous I feel as I plan to discharge myself from Vincent Square this morning.”
Wednesday 6th February 19:11 – “THE WORST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. They said they’ll send me for a MHA if I want to discharge myself as ‘am a threat to myself due to such a low BMI’. Why do I ever trust medical people?! When I came in here I was told that I could leave at any point as was going in voluntarily, of my own accord… but now that I’m in here I’m trapped, as if I try to leave they’ll section me. This is my worst fear EVER, feeling TOTALLY out of control of my own life, and trapped. I don’t know how I’ll get through this.”
Thursday 7th February 09:51 – “I guess the only way from rock bottom is up? Isn’t that what they say? I feel SO RELIEVED! I met with my consultant this morning and she thankfully agreed to retract the MHA, as I explained that I had wanted to leave because Tuesday evening was incredibly distressing. Thank you God for getting them to retract it.”
Thursday 7th February 21:26 – “What a different place I’m in compared to last night when I couldn’t stop crying all evening – I was hysterical. If I’m honest, yesterday I felt at my lowest ever in my life. I saw no reason to keep going. My life seemed hopeless. I have never ever felt so low. Just now though, as I was sat in supervision, I got a text from Arthie saying, “on my way”… I was like huh?! And it was to visit me! He came and waited until supervision ended, he lay on my bed and I updated him on my horrific few days. He kept saying how proud he was of me and gave me big hugs. See, it’s those moments that mean more to me than anorexia.”
Sunday 10th February 20:50 – “Felt pretty awful, but then my dear, dear Mummy arrived. I get 30 minutes leave daily now, so we went out and wandered down the Kings Road; it was so magical actually being out and about, it really was! She lit me up! Later we sipped peppermint tea in my room and chatted, and she really encouraged me, and reminded me why I’m doing this and why I need to make best use of this opportunity to BEAT it, not just get out .”
I have no idea how on earth I’ve managed to survive this long; today is day thirty two in here, and every day is still an immense struggle. But, with each new day that I wake up here I’m boosted by the realisation that, “if I did it yesterday, I must be able to do it today too”.
I don’t really know where to start which is why I’m sharing the above snippets from my diary over the past thirty two days, to give you a glimpse at how up and down it’s been. There aren’t any easy days in here, BUT, there are things that make being here a little easier, such as, the other wonderful patients, my dear family, and all of you, my immensely supportive friends. There have been many times where I haven’t felt like I can go on, and it’s every individual message, card, prayer, and supportive whisper that have willed me to keep going.
Yesterday was my 22nd birthday and whilst no one would ever choose to ever spend their birthday in hospital, this year was possibly my most special birthday ever. This illness steals a lot from it’s sufferers, however, I’ve noticed it’s also given me the ability to appreciate the little things in life so much more, and yesterday, walking around Kew Gardens with my dear mummy was just this.
Lots of people have asked me “so, what did you get?” but I didn’t actually ask for, or want anything. That may sound odd, but let it was on Christmas Day 2018 that I decided I had to admit myself inpatient. Around 7pm Midge came into my room and found me in floods of tears. Ever since I was very young Christmas Day has been my favourite day of the year; Mima’s prime time! My family know how much it means to me, and the day was filled with love, family, presents and amazing food. Yet I couldn’t have felt more unhappy. As the tears kept falling I realised the ONLY thing that was making me feel this way was my illness as it stole another memory, another precious day from me. It was this day that I decided I couldn’t go on like this.
For the past four years each birthday and Christmas wish has been to recover from this illness, and… for the first time, this year I feel like my wish is actually coming true - I’m making progress in recovery, I’m actually DOING IT! So, that is why I didn’t ask for, or want any presents, because in my opinion, recovering from anorexia is and will always be the best gift I can ever give myself. I used to think, ‘if I had that I’d be happy’ but, the reality is that no amount of ‘things’ in life can make you happy, only you can do that.
I wanted to let you all know that I couldn’t, and wouldn’t be doing it without your unwavering support which wills me on. So, thank you to you all, you made this birthday my most special one.