I just need to keep going...

I know that Vincent Square has saved me from myself, but there’s no doubt it has been, and continues to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. If I re-read my diary entries from before I came in I was praying for a bed, Mima knew she desperately needed one, yet when I’ve got one and am in here, I want nothing more than to just leave, go home, and feel safe. 

Why? Because being in here scares the life out of anorexia; it has nowhere to hide, it’s had it’s invisibility cloak removed, it’s toxicity has been revealed. It is not my friend, but my enemy. If anorexia had things it’s way it would have power over me forever, and the fact is that that’s not possible when I have a team in here that’s fighting against anorexia when I feel I can’t any longer. That scares it, that really, really scares it. So, I just have to keep reminding myself that this experience is needed, much as it is uncomfortable, gruelling and arduous. 

I’ve been in here for three weeks now and in this time have experienced the most intense feelings of despair ever, BUT, I’ve kept eating and what’s more I’m still here, I’ve got through them! Yep, in this cell of a room I’ve faced the scariest feelings, I’ve cried them out, written them out, anything and everything. However, I have NOT used my habitual coping mechanism of restriction, and that is a HUGE triumph, one that proves Mima is finally breaking free from this ghastly illness. 

I’ve wanted to leave this place daily, I’ve felt totally desperate at times, in fact on Tuesday evening I experienced extreme anxiety, something I’ve not actually suffered with before. The previous day doctors here added in a new medication to help my digestion and… I happened to be one in the minority that experienced rare side effects (severe restlessness/anxiety). It was UNBAREABLE. I felt totally beside myself, mummy came to visit me and I just burst into tears, I was so scared, I didn’t know what was happening to me (I’ve been taken off it now, thank goodness!). But I wanted to say for all those out there who battle daily with anxiety, I feel for you all, you guys are totally badass by just getting through each day; that takes immense courage.

I suppose I just wanted to update you all on life in here, every day feels like a complete mission, I often find myself scraping the mush they serve here into my mouth reciting, ‘it’s my medicine, it’s my medicine. This is temporary’. However, I know that if I don’t do this now, the pain of living with this illness will not be temporary. 

So, nearly another week done, onwards and upwards… I just need to keep taking it a day at a time.