Inpatient treatment so far...
I’m not sure how, but I’m now on day 12 here. I didn’t think I would last even the first night to be honest. I can’t possibly condense all that’s gone on in the past few days into words, but I’ll try.
Lets start with the food; many would think this would be of paramount importance on an eating disorder ward, right? Oh no! As I’ve had previous experience in The Priory I didn’t come here with any expectation of ‘Lobster Thermidor’ or ‘Duck a l’orange’. I expected it to be standard school slop, however, the stuff that’s been put in front of me has looked barely edible, and that’s putting it kindly. Every meal is microwaved, there is no cook, nothing is made fresh. In fact I would go so far as to say it makes aeroplane food look positively luxurious! I would insert photo evidence to prove that I’m not just being over dramatic, but rule no.1 ‘No phones at allowed in the dining room’… so you’ll just have to imagine it. I’ll give you an example of the dinner choices though:
1. Sweet and Sour Chicken (Halal)
2. Cheese and Tomato Flan
3. Bean and Vegetable Hotpot
… followed by the delights of ‘Crème Caramel’ or Stewed Plums & Custard, for pudding. Mmm sounds yummy doesn’t it?
I just can’t understand why when you’re trying to get us to enjoy food again, to see it as medicine, and not the enemy, or something to be avoided, why oh why they insist on making it as vile as possible? It almost feels punishing. But what feels more punishing is when you’ve faced your fears, completed the whole meal, and then the nurse on your table forces you to virtually lick clean your plate. We may have anorexia, but we are still humans.
After the festival of flavour as outlined above is finished, we then have to sit in ‘supervision’ for an hour after each meal. Yep, you heard me, after EVERY meal and snack. The day then goes on dominated by the set times of meals, snacks, and supervision. Any time between meals is spent counting down until the next meal, until after night snack, when you can get into bed and escape the regime for 9 hours, before starting all again the following day. The routine is monotonous, draining, and boring.
Moving onto my room… it’s less of a prison cell now that it’s had the Emma Hepburn treatment, but my goodness when we first arrived not even my parents could disguise their horror at the thought of leaving me here. By plastering the walls with photos and cards it looks marginally better, and I am slowly getting used living in the constrains of these four walls, but it is hard, it’s very, very hard. I’m longing for my own bed, to be able to make cups of tea when I want, a nice bubble bath, mummy’s home cooking, I genuinely feel withdrawal symptoms from my lack of smoked salmon right now. But, I just have to remember this is not permanent, this is temporary, however, if I don’t use this opportunity to get better then anorexia will become permanent. And that’s something I cannot endure.
Every day that I’ve been here has been a mission, I’ve wanted to leave many a time, and trust me I’ve tried. But on Tuesday evening something happened that really shook everyone on the ward and showed the true viciousness of this illness; a girl suddenly went into cardiac arrest. It was horrifying. I was just in my room saying goodbye to Mummy as I had to go to dinner then a loud alarm went off, I went out of my room to see what was going on and the light above her door was flashing, the nurses and doctor all ran in.
That girl entered this ward just the day after me, that girl is fighting the same cruel illness as me, that girl could’ve been me. As I went back into my room to I burst into tears attempting to tell mummy what was going on. The whole situation is one anorexia certainly wants me to forget, but is one I won’t ever forget. Thankfully the paramedics got here in time, and the girl is now stable, in intensive care.
What happened that night showed the raw reality of anorexia, it kills.
So whilst I’m hating being in here, and it is undoubtedly the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and probably will ever do in my entire life, I just need to stick it out for now, because there really is no other option, I can’t let anorexia steal my future, I just can’t.
