Hospital…

… I’m going inpatient on Tuesday morning. Whilst terrified would be a vast understatement, I also feel hope, hope that maybe after five long years I will actually be able to BEAT this thing! I feel relieved, too, that may sound odd, but for the past five years I’ve refused to let anyone take control over my eating (other than during my brief stint at The Priory Hospital). This has meant that anorexia ceaselessly holds me accountable for every morsel that passes my lips, provoking huge guilt as inevitably, it’s always “too much”. So the thought of others taking over that responsibility for a while, until I’m able to do so, really is a kind of relief.

Of course, anorexia never gives up without a fight though, ‘it’ doesn’t even want me to tell you that I’m about to go inpatient, ‘it’ is still holding onto hope that when I enter the hospital it’ll manage to convince me that, “I don’t really need to be here” etc. But, Mima knows she does need to. Plus, it’s got to be worth a shot, right? It’s the only thing I’ve not tried, and inpatient treatment is proven boost the chances of beating an eating disorder.

I can’t find words to even begin to say how immensely grateful I am to my team, especially my nurse, Sharon, who has worked tirelessly to get me a bed. Not only that, but she’s managed to get me one at Vincent Square Hospital, in London, which is a specialist Eating Disorder hospital, and very highly reviewed. So shout out to Sharon, my family and I could not have asked for a more incredible nurse who continues to support me throughout all of this. Everyone truly does need a Sharon in their life!

I thought it would be easier to post it on here, to let everyone know altogether about this update, so I’m sorry for not messaging individually. I don’t know how long I’ll be in hospital for, but fingers crossed if I can use every ounce of my strength to work WITH the professionals, and against anorexia, it won’t be long. 

(Below are some photo’s the motivation board I made a while ago, which is definitely coming with me!)